Axel's Rant
by HotWhiteIce
Summary: Hello all you wonderful people out there in the Kingdom Hearts fandom. It is I, Axel. Like I'd need to introduce myself to you all though, every one of you knows who I am, even people who've not yet dare step foot in so called "anime" know me. Crack.


**Hihi!! Kitty-chan here!!! I write a lot here on fanfiction, so if you don't know me, please visit my profile. This is my first time writing for Kingdom Hearts, so be nice!**

**WARNING: Tons of character bashing. I just want you all to know I love each character, and when I bash them or torture them, it just means I love them all the more. I also don't mind any pairing, so don't take offence when I say something will never happen.**

**Disclaimer: Do you think I own Kingdom Hearts? I DO!! MWHAHAHAHA!! Wait, what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T?! Okay, so I don't own it. Whatevs.**

Hello all you wonderful people out there in the Kingdom Hearts fandom. It is I, Axel. Like I'd need to introduce myself to you all though, every **one **of you knows who I am, even people who've not yet dare step foot in so called "anime", might I remind all those people that Kingdom Hearts is a game, and technically not an anime, know things about me that even _I _didn't know. Take for example, my sex life.

According to fandom, Roxas and I are madly in love, or in some situations, I am a desperate pervert who throws myself at the incredibly adorable, sweet little Roxas. Remember, there's this little thing called child molestation when an adult does a child. And I'll have each of you know, he's not as innocent as he comes across. He's killed people. Do you really think he'd settle for being my uke? Yeah right, fangirls. Maybe in another life time. For right now I'm stuck being pounded into the mattress until I can find a counter attack to puppy-dog eyes.

And what's up with all the Axel and Demyx crap? It was high school, girlies, and in case you have forgotten, a high school boy would do it with a crack in the sidewalk just to get an orgasm. Not that Demyx was much better than the sidewalk. In fact, if I could relive that night, I think I would choose the sidewalk. You don't believe me? Ask Zexion, he knows what I mean.

Larxene? I'm not even going to go there. She's a twisted little bitch with a sadist complex(is that even real?), like I'd fall for her.

-Ahem-

Now that I have most of you crying, why don't I go over a few other little assumptions that you all have made about me and the rest of organization XIII?

Attention, Zexion is not a vampire!! Get off that fantasy all you little emo's out there. Neither is Sora. Or myself for that matter. I like my fire. If I were a vampire, don't you think I would be avoiding fire, not casting out flames from those little dealies of mine, whatever the hell the creators named them, I can never remember?

Marluxia is **GAY**. Damn, does he have to spell it out for you? He has pink hair. He carries a weapon shaped like a flower. For fuck's sake, when we first meet him in the manga he appears in a flurry of flowers! Not even your super sexy ocs will change his being a fruit loop.

If he's straight, then Larxene is the pope.

Speaking of Marluxia and Larxene..._Never gunna happen._ You wanna know why, refer to the paragraph above.

Also, Zexion is _not, _I repeat, _not_ emo. He saw that hairstyle in one of Demyx's music insiders or something and thought it looked cool (I believe it was a picture of Jared Leto..._WHAT?!_I copied my style from that magazine. Ever seen a picture of a little rock star named Bill Kaulitz? Google it, bitch.). Hell, anything was better than that pageboy look. Believe me, you do not want to see Zexion with a pageboy haircut. You would take back every comment about him being sexy that you ever made if you saw him like that.

And on that note, I don't believe he has any desire to have relations with Vexen **or **Lexaeus, no matter how hot those yaois may be(_not) _or how much of a whore Zexion is. Seriously, the boy is _such _a man-whore. Really, he tried to seduce Xemnas so he could move up in rank...too bad Xemnas was too busy sleeping with Saix to care.

Oops, cat's out of the bag. Not that all you wonderful stalkers out there didn't know that. See, that's the only correct theory fanfiction has produced in all it's years of existence.

Oh, yeah, and for all you RoxasxSora fans, I'm sorry, but it's a lie. If you refer to my second paragraph, you can tell that most of Roxas's time is...occupied. And Sora has his hands full with Riku. Yup, he really wasn't lying all those times he denied that they were going out. Besides, Kairi is a princess. And you know princesses are high maintenance. Remember that time I kidnapped her in Kingdom Hearts 2? She did not shut up the entire time we were travelling to Twilight Town. '_Mister you're hurting me!', 'Mister, my arm hurts!', 'What are you gunna do with me mister?'._ Damn, I was ready to chuck that whiney bitch into some random world and let her fend for herself.

Riku may be a pretty boy, but at least he knows when to shut up and fuck.

Woops, got off track. So the whole RoxasxSora thing, what would that be like incest? But wait, Roxas _is _Sora so...Is there a law against doing it with yourself? Cloud better be praying to his god there's not, what with him and Sephiroth...

No, just kidding. I don't know what those two do in their free time. But if I had to guess who that blond-haired drama queen is doing I would have to guess...Well, you can fill in that blank yourselves. I don't want to spark more fics. I'm just saying, though, you wanna know how Leon _really _got that scar across his face?

Oh God, seems as though I've done more damage than when I started talking. FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID!!

---Axel

P.S., Stop cosplaying me!! And drawing me, unless it's a none yaoi related picture(those are fine).

**I HAVE NO SHAME!**

**Seriously, that was uber fun to write, once again I love them all(especially Demyx) and hope no one was offended by this piece!!**

**Make me feel better: Leave a review!**

**Love!**

**--Kitty-chan :3**


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